The Plague Of Idiots (in F. Major)

June 21, 2009 at 5:38 pm | Posted in memoirs, writing | 15 Comments

When I was growing up, such a carefree and curious child, I wanted to be all sorts of things. I cycled through pilot, poet, gigolo, sailor, farmer, and professional kite flyer. And then, just as I was about to graduate with my licence to inseminate, the idiot plague hit.

Worse than the swine flu, it was. Zombies everywhere, spread by contagion through sound. If they would just shut up and listen for five minutes the cycle could be broken but the side-effect, constantly hearing their own voices repeated back to them like an echo meant the idiocy implanted itself deeper and deeper.

The job of creating a silence fell to me somehow. This should be a tragic paragraph about how a sensitive soul became deafened to the delicate arabesques of harmony in order to save the world but the truth is, I enjoyed it. I was made for it.

I took my inspiration from the greats who came before me, Van Helsing, Bukowhiskey, Bon Scott, Squires, oh excuse me, he said, putting his half-empty glass down on the piano, there’s one now. See him? Waving some document and claiming that he is that which comes after that which came before. You know, son, he said patting me on the back, sometimes I still feel sorry for them, shrugging his shoulders and cracking his knuckles. I looked down at the piano and the only thing I could think to play was,



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  1. the job of creating silence… for a second i thought this was going in the direction of professional serial killer. “my licence to inseminate” cracked me up. ~mopping up coffee off the keyboards~
    and yes sweetness, when i’m not tossing flowers in your path – i’m tossing kisses. 😀 xxxxxx

  2. The idiocy does take generations down 🙂 really loved the way you have put these two together!

  3. Nice work, Paul. This is beautiful, though I am beating zombies off my back as I type. Been away for a week & I’m dazed and confused by the newlook site, though I love it!!!

  4. One should never put ANY glass down on ANY piano whether it’s half empty or half full because the mark will be indelible and ruin the finish.

    Your words make me grateful I’m an orphan in this world. Idiocy is like a swarm of locusts, destructive and equally hideous to behold but they do provide a certain natural function. :0

  5. very cool response to the post-avantism, Paul.

  6. Well color me blue, don’t I like this new look. And the writing is beautiful, poetic prose, like how you float the language with this one, music to my ears.


  7. I like this very much, I’ll need to show it to my partner too, he’ll love it with the zombies and the ACDC

  8. ya know i am a fan of any work that brings up zombies 🙂

  9. Thankyou. Let me just say that if one more person tells me the Rules of Twittering they are going to be introduced to a poem in which a very loud and flightless bird pursues them through a jungle maze.
    Message from the Captain, he says the person googling Paul Squires Wikipedia entry every day. My friends do not have time to sit around writing Wikipedia bullshit myths to pimp their friends work. They work for a living and raise children.

  10. well, in the immortal words of bonny: “I’ve never had a message for someone in my entire life. Except maybe to give out my room number.”

    what exactly this quote has to do with your piece is totally beyond me… but i love that quote and i love this piece of yours…

    and so i leave you with this quote by the American film director John Ford, who is also someone else I dearly love…

    “We can drink till all look blue.” [*hiccup*]

    Amen and Hallelujah,

  11. So many zombies, zombies, zombies on the ‘net, but you’re not one of them, and thank you for not being one of them. Your blog is a delight. 🙂 (And I love your new look, too.)

  12. Well, this finally explains everything.

  13. Ahh, the disease of idiocy…I have been inoculated myself. I also agree that it is high time (pun intended) that somebody gave props to the underrated poet from down under, Bon Scot.
    As to the job of creating silence, funny you should mention that. That seems to be something I am learning about at this point in my life.
    So here is a thumbs up and a slap on the back for you, Mr. Squires. Thank you for posting this.

  14. i love this one. it got me giggly in the middle of the last paragraph. thank you for the giggles 🙂

  15. One of my all-time favourite pieces, this one. Mission statement.

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