I have spent my life on stones

July 22, 2009 at 6:46 pm | Posted in writing | 23 Comments
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(“What would motivate a man who has been through literal hell, who has lost badly in the romance game and decided long ago he won’t play again–what would make this man decide to love a woman?” Sharon Gerlich)

I’m not sure that you need a motivation to fall in love, as though it were a choice. I think it just happens. When I was younger, I experienced love as gratitude. Gratitude for the sex, yes, but also for the comfort and the momentary release from the otherwise constant feelings of inadequacy which modern life produces and reinforces in a man. But my objectives in life were all about myself and my own success. Love was an escape and a relief.

Now I am older and I have discovered that all the great goals of my life, money, fame, respect, were all as ephemeral as dust. Everything I wanted for myself became meaningless as soon as at it was in my hands and life was a permanently incomplete chain of ambitions. Until I fell in love again.

By providing a purpose outside of myself, my love for her gives meaning to both the struggle and the attainments. Without her my life would still be a jumble of stones and digging of holes. With her I am constructing castles and developing gardens. In giving my effort to her, I retain it. My strengths are given purpose and my weaknesses have reasons and I look to her as others look to God, as the only available redemption.



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  1. That’s truly a wonderful description and devotion of what love is and how much of a blessing it truly is.

  2. Beautiful text
    I don t think there is a need for motivation either. And exactly like you I am always grateful
    for what it happens related to sex.

    It is true that all external things are just temporary, they might or might not remain, time will tell.
    I see you still believe in love strongly, sadly I am pretty much disappointed about it.

  3. Oh this is just lovely Paul. The power of love is an amazingly potent force to experience…

    Every woman would love to be written about in such a way…beauty and emotion intertwine and flow strongly through your words.

  4. Love means never having to say “Roll over.” Or something like that.

  5. Love is everything…this is beautiful Paul.

  6. aha!so the god was Eros (the black? the bittersweet?)

    wishing you both the best of luck!

  7. I’m feeling like a little voyeur but this is beautiful and thanks for sharing your loving feelings for your lady I think she is very lucky and so are you, I hope you inspire her heart as she inspires yours.

  8. Changing the subject again, the sea gulls were floating on the strong breeze today. It really is so surreal being so close to something that is within reach but that you’d never be able to touch. I don’t like sea gulls but that motion of them there, just floating, is almost hypnotic. Then you remember they could shit on your head… but even so.

  9. This is beautiful Paul. I seem to say that a lot about your work, but the generosity with which you lay bare your feelings in this post is very much appreciated. I hope she doesn’t mind us sharing…it makes us love her along with you.

  10. I am really glad you are experiencing love again. I wish both of you much happiness!

  11. Wow!! This is brilliantly stated. So perceptive and deep but sweet and sentimental at the same time. This is the gift you have- deeply affecting the hearts and heads of us ordinary mortals. I have printed this out and will keep it posted above my desk. Be well…my friend.

  12. Too bad you speak of already being in love, because I think this one would have the world eating out of your hand. Love as gratitude. What a perfect way to describe those early, sweet fumblings.

    Thank you for alerting me to my appearance on Wordsalad, Paul! I hadn’t even checked yet! And of course for the comment of support!

  13. you are in love

  14. I most often avoid defining this particular emotion as i find every definition takes a little bit more away from what we are capable of, the need for insurance and silly superficial human foibles most often override the strength of living and loving in the same breath

    but you have said it Paul, and i would say it the same way not as well,

    this is absolutely wonderful.

  15. Oh, Paul. This put tears in my eyes. You speak so wisely and eloquently to what is truly important in our lives.

  16. Just beautiful. And generous. And eloquent.

  17. YES! This is the spin without fingerprints! This the way out and the way in. Deeply satisfying. Thanks, Paul.

  18. hard fought, hard won. the only way (in my opinion) true love exists. this is amazing, as is the re-posted prayer. holes and stones, nothing else, without it. yr amazing, my friend.

  19. quite a poignant testament.

  20. I knew you had it in you Mr. Squires. Novelist is not a dirty word ya know. 😉 Write one soon please.

  21. well said

  22. i agree well said 🙂

  23. Ahhhh, beautiful…and not even a tad overly sentimental! Congrats; I am very happy for you.

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